| grrr. |
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| 06:35pm 23/11/2004 |
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mood:  discontent
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i need a fucking kick in the ass if i'm ever going to get anything done in my life. |
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| ummm.no. |
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| 12:32am 29/08/2004 |
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mood:  bitchy music: wandering star-portishead
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i got robbed today. i wasn't scared...or shocked. i was just pissed off. really fucking pissed off...and then when i call my mom i get screaming. not "are you okay? they didn't pistolwhip you or anything, right?" no..."how the FUCK could you let that happen."...way to be concerned, mother. i'm still pissed about that...and i hate cops. so yeah...working...robert is gone...i missed him five minutes after leaving the airport. i missed him when i found out he was leaving...i just am kind of emotionally fucked right now...it's not good...and i can't sleep. so...i'm posting. oh yeah...i lost my cell phone...so...don't call me. and please post with your # so that i can go about the task of rebuilding when i finally get my new one. and by losing my cell phone i mean that it was snatched out of my hand by scary black man in mid phone call. and i, the master of negotiations, can only say "hey...i was in the middle of a call, it was long distance. can i have it back, now?" i don't think that they saw the humor in my reaction though. fucking hooligans have no taste or culture...or sense of humor. so my brother is moving to sf...more people leaving...it's starting to profoundly affect me. all this leavingness. no one new coming in, either. i'm intimidating, i suppose. and i'm on the rag...everything in my mind is worse than in reality. it still all sucks though. trying to level out my mood...near stable...kinda. i have therapy on wednesday...but...i have school...i'll get a doctor's note. on that note...i gotta piss...peace the fuck out. i'll talk to some of you later.
-sorren |
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| 03:03pm 06/07/2004 |
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mood:  determined music: incubus-warning...wait...that not a good sign.
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i'm seriously considering becoming a teacher. not just any teacher...a highschool teacher...a language teacher at that...my options are limited...but whenever i think about it i feel clear and happy. there's no apprehension...no doubt...i know i could do it and would most likely enjoy it. as much as my patience problems would get it the way...i think it could be a great way to work on them throughout my life...because i'm an impatient snappy bitch and i really really really should do something about it. it also makes me happier to think that i've make some kind of decision in my life. i have a direction to go in. something to work towards. it's always nicer to work towards something. so now...i just need to get my life in some semblance of order that i can maintain and be content with. now for choosing a major and a school to try for. yay. if anyone has any suggestions whatsoever...pleasepleaseplease leave them for me. it'd make me happy. i know you all want me to be happy. ^.^ |
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| how it's goin |
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| 10:44pm 10/06/2004 |
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mood:  full music: star slight- at the drive in
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it's going well. i'm really quite happy/content/settled. my state of mind is remarkably stable. i'm managing to get a lot of things done that i've needed to do for awhile. mostly inside my head. the cat got it's face fucked up in a fight. it's cute. robbie had a good birthday. we ate too much sushi. glasses are a trip. i'm adjusting to them well. i can see so much better...my prescription is soooo strong. i'm like...fucking blind. this japanese class is...critical. sooo intense. gonna cry.
-oyasumi nasai minna-san. |
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| 01:11am 26/05/2004 |
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moving at the end of the week. we found a pretty cool place. it's kinda scary though. being away from this place that i know so well and all the people...the people. i'm sure that i'll still see everyone, though. i'm not exactly leaving the state or anything. grrrr. i really don't have much to say at all. i feel...fine. |
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| 12:08am 20/04/2004 |
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mood:  drunk music: say it ain't so-weezer
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looking for apartments in berkeley...bitchy. spending time with derin and robbie...good. working...good. school...bad. i dunno...my life is a good mix right now, i suppose...it could be a lot better if i could ever get the fuck off my ass. i'm sad about my lack of committed relationships of any kind right now. i don't even feel as if i'm very tied to my family at this time in my life. maybe it really is time for me to move the fuck out of vacaville and be somewhere else. |
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| 08:33pm 12/04/2004 |
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today i felt viscous...yeh. i said it. viscous...like used motor oil or something. it was disgusting and prompted me to get up and get the hell out of the house. i slept a loooooot this weekend. more than usual...spring break and all.my energy and motivation both are waning.itmakesmesad...space bar. ummmm...i want holly to come back. i hope she's okay and everything. my back hurts...i gotta go... |
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| so there goes that idea... |
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| 09:42pm 14/03/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative
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why do i have to care so fucking much about my friends? it's wearing on me and my caring for myself more. whenever there is strife or pain i feel like i have to at least be involved in dispelling it. i need to just fuckin chill and look after my own life and it's myriad and fucked up problems as of late...but i can't seem to. maybe i don't have too many close friends because i'd end up fucking insane with all the drama. it's all bad for me right now. i don't even feel really happy. though i can still fake it like a fuckin pro. that's nice to know, at least. i'll always have my default fuckin i'm gonna worry about everyone else with a fuckin smile mode. must attend to my own life. maybe i'll go into isolation again...that means my journal will be gettin a little more use. and my schoolwork will be a little more ontime. and my laundry will be a little more done...or maybe i should replace all those littles with lots. it's not as if i'm coming out of my social flutterings with anything. mostly i just end up feeling used. and they're my friends...so i know that they don't mean it. i just overanalyze shit...and shit...godammit. and the hearing in my right ear is hella fucked right now. good thing i already made an appointment to see a doctor...not that i would really miss it. i'd still have the other...and i don't really listen to much but talk, anyway. good excuse to get a seat in the front of class. i feel like blah right now...not bad...but not even remotely close to good. |
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| my life... |
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| 06:40pm 24/02/2004 |
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mood:  anxious music: incubus-here in my room
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way too many fuckin loose ends... |
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| 01:58pm 22/02/2004 |
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mood: anxious music: puzzle fighter...hmm...
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i loves me some nyquil. and impromptu get togethers...and ummm...shit. i have to go to strip club tonight...maybe i can get out of it...somehow. heh. ummm...i really have to take a shit right now and it's making me ponder my life. i'm trying to get it organized and squared away right now and it's fucking hard. i'm not really that kind of person...i want to do whatever it is that i want to do...not what i have to do. *sigh* ah well...time to go face life. i'll post later as to exactly what i'm talking about...it's a looooong fucking story. |
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| 09:24pm 06/02/2004 |
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mood:  frustrated
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so i haven't posted in a long while...yet again...umm...this is mainly due to not really having much to say. i need to stop having sex with random guys that seem attractive at the moment because doing this always seems to come back to bite me in ass...not that they aren't usually really cool guys or anything...they just always want something more...something that i can't even conceive of doing at the moment...and it's not anal sex...they always want like...something approximating a relationship...i swear i'm a guy trapped in a girls body...like ricky is a girl trapped in a guys body...only...it's worse for me. i think. so...school is going alright...i suppose...i feel very blah and my bank is being a biiiiiig bitch. *sigh* umm...yeh. that's about it. i'm not much for introspection right now. and i like ellipses...they're my friends. |
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| 04:51pm 17/01/2004 |
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mood:  content music: saves the day
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so i've been woken...i actually feel fine. no hangover or anything...though my stomach is a bit disturbed due to eating too much emminent ass death last night while drinking...ummm...sleepy still...i really can't wait for school to start...it's sooooo close. |
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| 04:40am 17/01/2004 |
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mood: bitchy
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so...yes. it's been awhile since i bothered at all...umm...nothing much has been happening...signed up for classes...stupid shit...all that i could get registering hella fucking late...shit...i'm still kinda drunk right now...but i needed to be...it felt so good to just let go and be...happy...yay for happy! i ate too much baldo's on too alcohol-y a stomach...umm...watching johngrier kill people is fun...he's playing a video game...i'm not sure what it's called...it looks fun. riki and all his gaming friends decided that my alignment is neutral evil with chaotic evil tendencies. ew...i'm not evil at all...we got into this discussion because ther are boys that i like and riki thinks that they are too moraly pure and good for me...whatever. i'm good and sweet and all...yay for ellipses! umm...i'm done for now...i don't really have much to talk about...not even drunk...all sleepy and whatnot...feel like curling up and cuddlinng to sleep...hmmm...okay. bye bye. |
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| trucks...explode. |
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| 04:44pm 09/12/2003 |
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mood: frustrated
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so...i saw a truck explode into flames and then engulf a tree...it was great...that same night a game at the bowling alley also exploded...something must have happened. i've rolled my ankle again. it's a fucking bitch and i hate it...i feel horribly unattractive and uninteresting right now...i don't know why i should feel this way. people love me and think i'm good looking and like to hear me talk...oooooh. trapped inside all day. must get out. |
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| blah |
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| 02:07am 09/11/2003 |
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mood:  confused music: the all american rejects, oh yeah.
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i'm not sure if this guy that is after me really likes me or if he's just out to make his ex jealous...she's scary though...obsessed with him and whatnot...and people keep saying that he's not good looking enough for me and that i could do better...it's all odd and stuff...but true. i probably could. i just don't feel like it...i don't even feel like being with him. i don't like guys that tickle me. it makes me feel uneasy and jumpy. they all seem to like to do it, though. or they think i like it or something. it's ew. so is the music i'm listening to. *sigh* i'm all discontent and shit. dragging still...and i missed jury duty...the county is all pissy...must reschedule...maybe i can get out of it...i'm just gonna say that they're guilty anyway...can you claim pessimism as a way to get out of that? or depression? heh. severe psychological damage. things i must get around to doing...paying a ticket...driving school...job...car...good grades...laundry...excercise regime...i'm stagnating! again! oh no...i also need to schedule an appointment at the doctors for various things...and the optometrist. need new contacts...and i need glasses...i don't always feel like wearing contacts and my old glasses broke. blahblahblah...i've said all this before. no one really reads it anyway...it's too disjointed and depressing for most. besides me...it's all for me. =D i love me. |
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| 11:12pm 03/11/2003 |
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mood: contemplative
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yes...my life has been dragging...i think i'm falling into a rut. ummm...partied out this week...and i'm blinking too much. still must find a way to deal with various guys that are calling me...yeh. shit goes on in my head...i've been wondering how different i really am according to who i'm around...i know that i change...just how much do i change? do the thoughts that i think change? or just the way that i express them? i will make a study of it...and get a job...and a better gpa...and maybe i'll finish painting my room and get furniture...but i love sleeping on the floor...soooooo good to my back it is. |
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| 09:49pm 02/11/2003 |
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mood:  nauseated
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being drunk too often is not good...my stomach feels torn up and i think i'm actually losing weight because i can't eat as much because food is starting to make me feel nauseous all the time. apparently there is a boy that would like to claim me as his own. he's very nice and smart and all...but i don't know...i've grown rather attached to being single in the past couple months. grrrr...my stomach hurts...and i think i have reading to do...and latin to do...fook. and shame of shames...i have signed up for friendster. everyone point and laugh and make snide asides at my expense. |
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| 05:16pm 31/10/2003 |
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mood: anxious
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in berkeley going to a folklore halloween party...sounds interesting/amusing and whatnot...but i'm not really sure what will happen. it's very new to me. i hope i react well. if not, i'll just drink a lot and be very quiet. ^.^ robert may not like that...but...fuck him. heh. ummm...my face is happiness. =D
robert's friends co op seems very cool...if a bit busy for my tastes...so many people...ew...but it looks as if it'd be different and fun at times. i loved you all. |
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| 02:46am 23/10/2003 |
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mood:  drained
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| 04:34pm 14/10/2003 |
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mood:  listless
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nothavingacarness is severely getting to me. i'm becoming very...lethargic. i sleep all the time. i went to sleep at eight yesterday morning...slept until 6...woke up and was awake until 11 or so...and then i went to sleep again until seven this morning. it's all so...bad. maybe i should go back on my meds...*sigh* |
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